You’ve probably been asking yourself, “why don’t dumpster companies brew their own beer?” Frankly, we’ve been asking ourselves the same question! That’s why we’re pleased to announce our new line of micro-brews featuring all-organic ingredients pulled straight from the
trash can field. Our new microbrewery, Rancid Hops Brewing Co., closes the loop between the waste management industry and the brewing industry. With exactly zero brewing experience (and a bold disregard for sanitation codes) we’ve brewed up a pungent range of beers that are sure to infect delight! Here’s a small sampling of some of our upcoming (or coming-up) brews:
Trash Can Kolsch – A trashy concoction brewed in the fine German tradition of (spoiled) wheat ales. This odoriferous brew will curl your nostrils, wet your eyes, and remind you of what you had for lunch yesterday.
Flushing Funk Belgian Ale – A porcelain tribute to the Belgian monks who’ve mastered the art of funky tastes. This aromatic and borderline offensive Belgian ale is brewed exclusively with Bill Gates’ Certified-Fresh Toilet Water. WARNING: Proof of health insurance is required prior to purchase. Ingredients available wherever toilets are found.
Five-Day-Old Banana Stout – You know that fruity musk that fills your kitchen after you’ve let your bananas ripen for far too long? We thought that dank musk would work great in a beer. So for this recipe we took some righteously over-ripened bananas, an ungodly amount of malts, and threw it all into the kettle. The result? Not great, if we’re honest.
Recycled Rye Ale – Recycling is the cornerstone of sustainability, which is why we brew this beer using lightly stale rye bread. Each batch of Recycled Rye is filled with a dozen or so loaves of off-bread and brewed to a soggy, gray complexion resembling plaster. Fortunately, taste tests reveal that our Recycled Rye Ale does indeed taste better than plaster, but loses out to balsa wood and rubber cement. WARNING: Slight choking hazard may occur due to large chunks of bread suspended in beverage. Not gluten-free.
Bourbon Barrel-Aged Compost Pile That You Tried Making Yourself, But Just Ended Up with a Big Heaping Pile of Garbage Ale (or BBACPTYTMY, BJEUBHPGA for short) – Ah, at last we come to the white whale of Rancid Hops Brewing. This rare specimen could quite literally be a specimen in a forensic crime lab. Using only the finest organic ingredients swiped from our neighbor’s urban garden; we let a bunch of fruits and veggies ferment a little before pouring them in the kettle and twisting the knob right past 11 (also, we need a new kettle). After the brewing process, we aged this baby in a bourbon barrel (i.e. a trash can we stored some bourbon in once) for 11 months. WARNING: Do not consume internally.
Look for these and more of our beers in the
fertilizer beverage section of your local hardware grocery store under the name Rancid Hops Brewing Co. Remember our slogan; if it doesn’t inspire dry heaving, it ain’t worth drinking.